I’m a messy person. Yes, in the sense that my housekeeping skills are seriously lacking, but I am talking about the rest of me. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, I am one of the messiest people I know. I see the doc for the physical stuff, take meds for the mental/emotional stuff and look to my pastors and friends for spiritual guidance.
Most people who know me know I tend to ride the emotional roller coaster. A ride that has become even more dizzying and disorienting lately. Last Friday I got really good news about future job prospects – this Friday (today) I get really lousy news about future job prospects. I celebrate with one friend while another is dealing with a frightening diagnosis. My son is home with me and we are hanging out – then he’s gone for a week – then he gets home for a few days – then he’s gone for a week. I start feeling good about choices I’m making and then I watch them blow up in front of me.
I make a lot of mistakes. I fail at things that I should excel at. I ignore the little things that make life so rich and wonderful because I’m so distracted by the big things. I forget to consult with God and find myself in holes only He can get me out of. I’m lonely even though I have been blessed with amazing friends and an amazing community.
I am loyal to a fault. I take on my loved ones problems as if they were my own so I can be there for them and support them. I have a special way with babies. I am raising an incredible child who I love so much I physically ache. I have the most wonderful friends, both far and near, who I care for passionately.
I appear confident and comfortable engaging strangers in conversation, while inside I’m awkward and terrified. I display a calm countenance when my anxiety is out-of-control. I cry when I’m happy, laugh when I’m angry and try to hide the fact that I’m sad. I’m well loved even when I’m not loving well. I am forgiven – though I continue to sin.