I missed you!

Ok, ok, I haven’t been here in a little while. God and I have been wrestling with some things and I didn’t quite know how to put it into words. Just a few weeks ago, I was in excruciating pain and feeling like there was no end in sight. I hadn’t been out of the house to do anything fun in a long time. I kept saying “no” to the invitations of friends and family. I was in a very, very low spot.

Then I got the chance to do something I’d never done before. Attend a White Tie Fundraising Gala for National Jewish Hospital. I’d passed on the first email sent by the administrator of my department at Children’s Hospital because I figured I’d never find a date or a dress – and figured there was a good chance I’d be hurting too much to go anyway. Then the second email came, saying that most of the seats were still available and at $500 a plate, the department REALLY didn’t want them to go unused. So I took a chance, im-ed my friend Kyle (who actually OWNS a tux), and accepted two of the seats.

My sweet friends, whom I’d been neglecting, offered me formal dresses and gowns they had in their closets, and I found a dress that I LOVED. Brilliant red, floor length and flowy. Just gorgeous. I found the perfect pair of shoes on sale and a matching bag at Ross for $5. The ball was amazing – so decadent – and I felt like a princess. Plus, I enjoyed the company of my date and the coworkers we shared the table with.

As I was driving home I had an epiphany. I can actually LIVE. I don’t have to focus on simply surviving – yeah some days suck – but there is so much out there to experience. And that I really am strong enough to do it. I realized that while God had been telling me to “wait” for a really long time, waiting didn’t need to be so lonely and miserable.

Following this epiphany God finally told me that some of my waiting is over. I have been approved to have an experimental treatment for my pain. It would have been prohibitively expensive without my insurance but they are going to cover it. I will go in on April 3rd for a one-week trial and if it is sucessful will have surgery a little later in the month to have the device permanently implanted. This has the potential to give me 100% pain relief. I’m not even sure what that would really be like anymore, but it sounds awfully good.

And on top of that fabulous news – I’m in the early stages of a new relationship with a really great guy. More on that another time.

God is SO good

Kyle and I at the Beaux Arts Ball

He works in mysterious ways…

…and somehow turns all things to His good purpose.

 

Tonight, over the phone, my father said words that I’ve waited years to hear. He began by relating the story of what had occurred this morning. My dad, my brother-in-law Jonathan, and Jonathan’s best friend Mark, went fishing in the icy waters of a river outside of Billings. My dad has been in Montana for a little less than a week helping Jonathan do some major remodeling of his kitchen and to spend some time relaxing.  They had planned this fishing trip since the weather was supposed to be particularly mild and the three of them LOVE to fish. All three were dressed warmly, long-johns, warm coats and tall waders to keep their legs dry. They took Jonathan’s boat out on the river and found the place they wanted to be. Dad and Jonathan were on one side of the river and Mark was on the other. After about a half hour and with no warning, Mark lost his balance, fell into the water and was swept downstream by the strong currents. He was swimming but having a tough time staying above the surface. And the water was COLD. As soon as Jonathan saw what was happening he began running toward Mark. Dad said that he’d never realized just how strong Jonathan was until he saw him running in the water as if it wasn’t even there. Then Jonathan started working across the river alternately running and swimming. He finally caught up to Mark and the two of them were swimming as hard as they could toward the shore. Dad untied the boat and began floating toward them, but they were already up on the bank by the time he reached them. They quickly built a fire and got Mark out of his wet clothes – Dad stripped off his top layer and put it on Mark – they were desperately trying to warm him up. Another couple came by and gave the guys their coats and some extra clothes they had. Mark was in terrible shape, shivering convulsively, vomiting and had trouble remaining conscious. After a little while though he began to warm. Dad and Jonathan muscled him into the boat and Jonathan rowed them at record speed down to where the truck was parked. They stowed the gear, tied the boat in the truckbed and sped off to an urgent care clinic. The doctor told them that they had done everything right and although he was recovering from hypothermic shock, Mark was going to be just fine.

 

After telling me this story, Dad said, “after what I witnessed today, there is no doubt in my mind that God exists.” He hasn’t been a believer since childhood – basically told me once that he just didn’t know and didn’t feel any urgency to investigate. Now – who knows? I cried when Jonathan and I talked about it – dad had said the same thing to him – and we both could hardly dare to imagine that God was actively trying to get my dad’s attention. Oh it filled my heart with joy and wonder.

 

Jonathan told me that he really had no memory of getting to Mark and actually couldn’t believe that he had, that Mark had been so far away by the time Jonathan started to run. He credits God with that. He also mentioned that he didn’t understand how Mark was in such bad shape but that other than being colder than he could remember, Jonathan was just fine. God apparently knew that my Dad couldn’t have handled two guys in hypothermic shock. The couple arriving when they did and having extra clothing was another miracle.

 

Tonight I’ll be saying some extra prayers. To thank God for Mark being ok, that Jonathan was there and was able to react so quickly, that Jonathan wasn’t hurt, that my father is ok. But mostly for showing Himself to my dad today – maybe opening his heart to discovering a relationship with Him – and strengthening the faith of me and my brother-in-law. He is so good, loving and faithful. I am in awe.

A lovely moment

Here is a great Wrestling Faith moment for you. I recently posted on my gtalk status “Really wishing I had a baby to hold right this very moment” and had been desperately missing some friends. I wasn’t even going to go to church tonight as I’ve been feeling puny all day – but knew that it was a talk I wanted to hear and that I didn’t want to miss Jared’s 12 days of TNL Christmas. So imagine my surprise when I see my dear friends at the front of the church – along with their sweet, sweet, 2 week-old baby. It did my heart good to know that God hears me and answers. Sometimes He even answers the way I want Him to. It also did my heart good to hold little Jillian and tell her how much I love her already.  Not to mention Kaylynn shouting “Janna” and rushing into my arms as soon as she saw me. It was a special night with special friends. He is faithful.

A father sized hole

Yesterday I read a book called “Chasing Fireflies” by Charles

Martin. It was wonderfully written, an engaging and exciting

story, and it broke my heart more than once. It also raised

some intriguing questions – one that I’d like to process here

– about parenting and fathers and faith.

 

I’m not going to tell you about the book other than to

explain that it is fiction – not some sort of religious

self-help manual. I think this is one book that is valuable

enough to encourage you to read and think on on your own. I

also think this question is one that has been asked by

millions of people over all the years of the world.

 

The author talks about how all boys are born with a hole in

their middle. A hole that needs to be filled by their fathers

and when it is not, is often filled with destructive things

like addictions. (I’m sure there is a similar corellation for

girls, but I happen to have a son so thats what I’m focusing

on). It’s not too far fetched… so my question is: When a

boy’s father is absent or inadequate, how can a mother fill

that hole? Especially when the boy doesn’t necessarily know

that his father is inadequate or even idolizes him to some

degree.

 

My current answer is – THE Father. Therin lies another big

question for me. I didn’t come to a relationship with Christ

until I was an adult and when I found Him (or rather, He

found me) it all just kinda clicked into place. At this

moment, my son is not terribly interested in learning about

God or attending church with me. There is no part of me that

wants to force him in any way and that leaves me in a

quandry. How do I show my son how much he is loved by his

Heavenly Father if he has no interest in knowing Him? And if

the hole inside of him doesn’t get filled with that love and

doesn’t get filled by his dad, what can I do? Is a mother’s

love sufficient?

 

Another thing – I do not want to raise a child with an

unhealthy dependence on me. I don’t want to be Marie to my

Raymond… if you know what I mean. It feels like such a fine

line to walk – which I guess is parenting in general

sometimes.

 

Thoughts?

I’m ready for some answers…

Tomorrow, Friday Oct. 24th, I am undergoing a diagnostic laparoscopy to try to figure out what is going on inside my belly.  When the results from my miserable CT scan came back as “essentially normal” I cried. My body has been telling me for a long time that things are not “normal” in there. For the past two weeks I have been unable to eat, or sleep, or even put in a good days work. What if they DON’T find anything to explain my symptoms? Do I have to live the rest of my life like this?

 

Now, let me explain the procedure a little bit. First of all, it is diagnostic only. So if the surgeon does in fact find something wrong he will not be fixing it at this time. We will discuss the findings and then, if necessary, schedule another surgery. Secondly, it is laparoscopic. That means that there will be one or two small incisions in my belly where they will stick in a scope to go look around. The surgeon will examine all of the organs in my abdomen as well as the abdominal wall and see if there are abnormalities, adhesions or the like. It should take about an hour and a half. Then I’ll spend approximately 2 hours in recovery being medicated for pain and nausea and finally they will ensure that I can keep some juice and crackers down. Then I’ll be sent home to recuperate.

 

At this point I am planning on only missing three days of work. Tomorrow obviously and then Monday and maybe Tuesday. I will take advantage of my boss’ offer to work from home during that time. I expect that I will be hanging out on the couch watching inane television, re-reading a favorite novel or two, and sleeping.

 

I’m prepared for the doctors to give me bad news. I’m prepared for the doctors to tell me that they have found something and we will do our best to treat it aggressively. I’m not prepared for them to come back without any explanation of why I’ve been so miserable.

 

Your thoughts and prayers during this time would be much appreciated. I’ll come back and tell you all about it just as soon as I can sit at the computer for any length of time. I hope you all have a wonderful Friday tomorrow and a great weekend after that.

 

All my love!

Bad stick

I had a terrible day on Friday. I know, it seems like I have a lot of terrible days, but on this one I think you’ll agree.

I had an appointment at 9:15am to check in for a CT scan. The surgeon ordered it because he wanted a little more medical evidence that standard treatment (primarily dietary) is not working and that surgical treatment is now the next best option. They told me not to eat or drink anything after 6:45am, to come in and drink a contrast solution and then get scanned at 10:45. Sounds pretty straightforward, yes?

I showed up on time, signed in, filled out the paperwork, answered some questions and was handed a large styrofoam cup filled with a thick, milky looking substance – plus a plastic container with another cupful in it. The receptionist smiles up at me and says, “you’re in luck – this is a new flavor! Drink the first cup in the next 10 minutes and then finish the rest before an hour is up.” I smiled right back at her, refrained from commenting and had a seat.

Think of the flavor of this “solution” as white chalk, like your kids might use to draw on the driveway, mashed up and mixed with body lotion, a few drops of berry flavoring, served at room temperature moments after being run through a carburetor. It’s actually worse than that. The receptionist saw me gagging a little and warned me that if I threw any of it up, we’d have to start all over. So I steeled myself – and drank it all in one shot. Then poured the rest of it into the cup and drank it all down too. *shiver*

Ok, so now my stomach is a little upset, I’m still a little nervous about the implications of this scan, and I’ve got to go to the bathroom. I’m not a very happy camper! I took care of my business and sat down with my book and tried to block everything out until the tech called my name. Then it got REALLY ugly.

I walked in, laid down on the little bench and tried to take deep breaths. The tech is really nice and tells me that she’s going to put in the IV for the iodine contrast, scan me, and have me out of there in 10 minutes.  She spends a long time looking for a good vein for the IV, tells me to expect a stick, and goes for it.  And gets nothing.  She tries again, this time on my other arm. Nothing. She tries a third time, back on the first arm, almost gets it…. but no.

She calls a nurse from somewhere who comes down and says she’d like to try this little trick. She lays a warm, wet towel on my left hand for a minute or so and then tries. DANG that hurts! She digs around for a bit. Nothing. “Ok, I’ve got one more trick,” she says. She puts a blood pressure cuff around my right arm – pumps it up – and looks for a vein in my wrist. One – two – three – poke. OUCH! All for nothing. This nurse then looks at me and says, “Since we can’t seem to get access, we’ll probably have to have you reschedule.” Are you kidding me????  I looked her in the eye and said, “No. Lets find ourselves a nice paramedic or flight nurse or something. I have veins and someone is going to get into one. There is no way I’m drinking that crap again.”

I might not have sounded quite as calm as I’m sure it reads.

All in all, I got stuck SEVEN times before they got an IV in, thanks to the help of a PA with an ultrasound machine. Even then, it was only about halfway in and was extrememly fragile. Which made the iodine injection really fun. But only 5 minutes after the injection – the scan was over – and I was on my way.

No results yet.

11%

Yes my friends, that is how much “real honey” is in the KFC Honey Sauce packets. It actually SAYS that on the packaging. Is that disturbing to anyone else?  Their butter packets don’t say anything about how much “real butter” is in them… I’m afraid to find out.

 

Totally got hit on by the drive-thru guy though.

 

Disturbed.

“Jokes from the Hole”

Author Dr. Gene L. Syn, a Colon & Rectal Surgeon, believes that humor can break through the embarrassment and taboo people have about discussing their nether-regions and digestive systems. “It is my hope this joke book and sound medical advice contained therein will relieve and save hundreds and thousands of lives by bringing this sensitive topic out of the closet, into conversation, and into the caring hands of colon and rectal surgeons,” says Dr. Syn.

Huh. Why would I post something so obscure? Because, my friends, I have a problem with my colon. It is the reason I was sick a few weeks ago and a big reason why I haven’t been blogging. Today, though, I’m in pain and can’t concentrate on my work and so I am here.  

 

I have diverticulitis, an inflammation in my colon with the underlying chronic disease of diverticulosis. Basically, due to weakening of the walls of my intestine, I have little hernias or pouches (diverticulas) that become infected and/or inflamed. Some enormous percentage of the US population will have diverticulosis by the time they’re 70 years old and most of those people will never even know they have it. In some enormous percentage of that population, the disease is benign, symptom-free, and people only find out they have it because they have a test for something else. An enormous percentage of people who do have problems (diverticulitis) are men, over the age of 50, who never need to have surgery. Then there is the itsy-bitsy percentage of women, even fewer in their 30s, who sometimes do have to have surgery. I was in that population until a few weeks ago, when I discovered it was even worse than that, that I am in the itsiest-bitsiest population of anyone in that I have to have surgery TWICE!

 

http://www.miamiherald.com/283/v-print/story/427603.html

 

I figured you might need a little break from the surgery talk… Dave Barry is hysterical.

 

On Sept. 30^th I get to meet with the surgeon who did my first surgery. Unless he has a compelling reason to schedule the surgery earlier – I’m going to try to have it done in early November. It involves a 3-8 day hospital stay (vague, I know, it was 7 last time), 4-6 weeks recovery at home, followed by a colonoscopy about 6 months later. I can feel the jealousy radiating from you!

 

I wish I could tell you that I was just plain miserable. Why? Because that would be easy. It would allow me to give you a quick answer, cry an ocean of tears, and not ever look at the big picture. The truth is – I don’t really know how to feel. I’m in pain. I have this scary event in my near future. I’m tired of feeling sick all the time. On the other hand, my job is amazingly wonderful. I have this fabulous kid. I have unbelievably great friends. My supervisor told me that once my paid-time-off runs out, if I feel up to it, they will send me some data entry work that I can do from home to make sure my paychecks don’t suffer. !!!!!!  Again, I don’t really know how to feel. Saying things like, “I feel like crap!” take on a new connotation…

 

Love to all (especially those of you who have read through this entire thing,) and yes, I’m buying the book from the first part of the post. I’ll let you know how it all comes out. 😉

 

 

 

9/11/08

I find it amazing and yet disturbing that just a handful of images from this day, 7 years ago, can still bring a shiver of fear into my heart and tears to my eyes.

 

My day will be filled with prayers. For healing, for peace and for remembrance.

I may just be feverish…

I’m too sick to blog but my son wrote a poem about his childhood (he’s 11) that I think is fabulous:

 

I am From by Trevor T.

 

I am from little stuffed lambs

with cute fuzzy ears and a bell in his tail

hidden away for me to find

 

I am from my grandpa and uncle

building me a wood play set in the backyard

so I wasn’t always bored

 

I am from a huge blizzard that put down three feet of snow

as white as paper that I could build caves in

and try to walk on but would only sink

Good News!

I got the job! I get to stay at Children’s Hospital for an indeterminate length of time, doing a job I enjoy, and having purpose. It is like the weight of the world has been briefly lifted from my shoulders.

 

Speaking of which – my arms seem so much lighter without my little nephew in them. I miss him desperately. He’s my second favorite person in the whole world. I took the photos on my non-digital SLR, so you’ll have to wait for me to get them developed before I post.

 

I hope you all are having a great week too!

Visiting Family

Well, I’ve been a little quiet lately as I have been dealing with some big things (both good and bad) and doing more internal processing than usual.  But I’m leaving tomorrow for Montana to spend 4 fabulous days with my sister, her husband and their new baby. My sister hasn’t quite entered this century and does not have internet access – so I figured I should update you all before I leave.

 

I’m in a waiting game to see if I will be employed come September. The project I’ve been working on is coming to a close and there isn’t anything in my department that I can move to. I interviewed with the Pulmonary department last week, to work with the Cystic Fibrosis research team, and should know something in the next 5 days or so. Waiting like this is incredibly stressful. Which causes my mental and physical health to suffer to some degree.

 

We still haven’t totally gotten my anxiety under control. I’m using a PRN medication to prevent the panic attacks when I feel them coming on as well as to treat them once they’ve started. But its certainly not a great long-term solution for me. And physically… well, thats a story for another time.

 

As far as what I’ve been up to – the most notable thing would be participating in a worship service at the Denver Rescue Mission this last Sunday. I’ve done it a handful of times but had not felt as moved or as connected as I did this time. As it turns out I love to sing, I love to worship my God, and I love to be part of other people doing the same.

 

So on that note – I can’t wait to meet my nephew and the excitement is preventing me from writing any more at this moment. I have a couple hours worth of work to do and then a lot of packing and prep work at home. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and I’ll post pictures when I return!

 

Adieu!

At least one of the seven deadly sins

I’m surrounded by pregnant women or women who have recently had babies. Since my son was born when I was 19 I was the only person in my circle that had a child. Now that I’m in my 30s a lot of the people in my life are starting or adding to their families. My sister just had one (yippee!), my friends Brian & Kelley are within a month of their due date, Dash is almost 5 months old and Petra is 18 months old! There are really too many to name them all. The reason I bring this up though is that I cried the whole way home from my home group this evening. It is a difficult thing to explain but my arms feel empty and my very womb aches to have a baby. God blessed me with an affinity for children – especially infants – and a way with them as well. My aunt Ro told me this weekend that when I’m in the vicinity of a child my whole face changes and it is obvious that I am enchanted. My nerves are rarely scratched raw by a crying baby. It is absolutely therapeutic for me to just sit and hold a sleeping child. I wouldn’t begrudge lost hours of sleep to tending to an infant even if he or she wasn’t mine. But I’m about as far away from being able to have a child as I could possibly be. And I see all these women, who I adore, with this one thing I want more than anything.  I don’t want to be envious of them…

 

So I have to ask myself – why is it that I am so far away from this dream of mine? Why doesn’t God think that now is a good time to head in that direction? And then I ask God these same questions. Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes (but not often) I sigh in relief. But I don’t have any answers and God is staying pretty silent on this topic too.

My kiddo

So at dinner last night we were talking about Trev’s bedtime. I said that we hadn’t gotten him into bed before 10pm all summer and that once school starts again, we’re going back to 8:30 bedtimes (yeah, right.) He kind of snorted and I explained that he is much more pleasant when he gets to bed at 8:30. He replied, “yeah, but I’m happier when I go to bed at 10.”

Then he says, “I guess when school starts we’ll have to compromise. I’ll have to go to bed at 9, when I’m neither happy nor pleasant.”

 

Ha!

Monday, July 28th, 2008

This was included in a birthday card and I felt it appropriate to share:

 

Keeping Watch

  by Anonymous

 

In the morning

When I began to wake,

It happened again –

 

That feeling

That You, Beloved,

Had stood over me all night

Keeping watch,

 

That feeling

That as soon as I began to stir

 

You put Your lips on my forehead

And lit a Holy Lamp

Inside my heart.

Pictures of my most favoritest nephew!

Here he is!!!!

 

Noah David Boll and proud Mommy

 

My Sweet Nephew!

Noah David

That is my new nephew’s name. He was born on July 22nd and weighed in at 6lbs, 12oz.  My sister’s labor was ridiculously uncomplicated and short and I’m very jealous as that is the complete opposite of mine.

 

I’ve never been an aunt before. My son has been the only grandchild to my parents for almost 12 years. I’m devastated that I can’t be there (in Montana) right now to meet him and hold him and talk to my sister about being a mom. I can’t wait to be his favorite aunt (due to the spoiling I will bestow upon him) and watch him grow up.

 

I’ll post pictures once I get some!

Wow

I’m a messy person. Yes, in the sense that my housekeeping skills are seriously lacking, but I am talking about the rest of me. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, I am one of the messiest people I know. I see the doc for the physical stuff, take meds for the mental/emotional stuff and look to my pastors and friends for spiritual guidance.

 

Most people who know me know I tend to ride the emotional roller coaster. A ride that has become even more dizzying and disorienting lately. Last Friday I got really good news about future job prospects – this Friday (today) I get really lousy news about future job prospects. I celebrate with one friend while another is dealing with a frightening diagnosis. My son is home with me and we are hanging out – then he’s gone for a week – then he gets home for a few days – then he’s gone for a week. I start feeling good about choices I’m making and then I watch them blow up in front of me.

 

I make a lot of mistakes. I fail at things that I should excel at. I ignore the little things that make life so rich and wonderful because I’m so distracted by the big things. I forget to consult with God and find myself in holes only He can get me out of.  I’m lonely even though I have been blessed with amazing friends and an amazing community.

 

I am loyal to a fault. I take on my loved ones problems as if they were my own so I can be there for them and support them. I have a special way with babies. I am raising an incredible child who I love so much I physically ache.  I have the most wonderful friends, both far and near, who I care for passionately.

 

I appear confident and comfortable engaging strangers in conversation, while inside I’m awkward and terrified. I display a calm countenance when my anxiety is out-of-control. I cry when I’m happy, laugh when I’m angry and try to hide the fact that I’m sad. I’m well loved even when I’m not loving well. I am forgiven – though I continue to sin.

 

Messy.

Lesson Learned

Huh. Maybe you, like me, have taken your body and it’s intricate systems for granted. Maybe you, like me, believe that if you are prescribed a medication that the benefits outweigh the side effects. Maybe you, like me, trust that when your doctor says that side effects are usually mild and that your initial dose is very low to help your body adjust and he forsees no problems it implies that you are relieved of the duty to research the med yourself.

 

Last night I took the first dose of a prescription medication for a chronic condition. It is being used as a therapy adjunct to my current medications and is also being used off-label.  I swallowed half a tablet of this drug around 10:30 last night as I was headed for bed. I fell asleep shortly after burying my head in the pillow and had one of the deepest sleeps I’ve had in a long time. Then my world kind of fell apart for a couple of hours.

 

I woke up before my alarm, around 5 am, and smiled to myself. I like it when I wake up naturally and have a moment or two to stretch before rising. I took my time and got out of bed at 5:10 (still 5 minutes before my alarm) and headed for the bathroom. I’d gone about 5 steps when I was completely overwhelmed by a wave of vertigo and sat down hard in the hallway. I took a deep breath to steady myself and walked very unsteadily back to my bed to lay down for a couple of minutes. I woke about 30 minutes later with a trembling that began in my bones and radiated out to the rest of my body. Then nausea and lightheadedness took over.

 

I stumbled down the stairs, still stubbornly determined to go to work, and stopped off at the couch to lie down again for a moment or two. I woke when my mother asked me if I was ok. I tried to sit up but was still so dizzy that I had to lay down again.  Three hours later, a handful of short naps, a piece of dry toast and 4 glasses of water later, I felt a little better.  I then showered and continued to find myself improving a little at a time as I prepared to go to work.

 

The lesson is: do your own research on the meds you are prescribed, be an advocate for your own body and health, AND never, ever, ever, try a new medication in the middle of the work week.

Love to you all!

Sometimes

Sometimes

the darkness

still invades my mind.

Inventing a misery

a heartache deep and painful.

Sometimes,

like cobwebs

it can be simply brushed aside

Sometimes,

its like a blizzard

blinding and disorienting.

The drugs

clear the haze from my thoughts

quelling my emotions,

Sometimes