I’m a messy person. Yes, in the sense that my housekeeping skills are seriously lacking, but I am talking about the rest of me. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, I am one of the messiest people I know. I see the doc for the physical stuff, take meds for the mental/emotional stuff and look to my pastors and friends for spiritual guidance.
Most people who know me know I tend to ride the emotional roller coaster. A ride that has become even more dizzying and disorienting lately. Last Friday I got really good news about future job prospects – this Friday (today) I get really lousy news about future job prospects. I celebrate with one friend while another is dealing with a frightening diagnosis. My son is home with me and we are hanging out – then he’s gone for a week – then he gets home for a few days – then he’s gone for a week. I start feeling good about choices I’m making and then I watch them blow up in front of me.
I make a lot of mistakes. I fail at things that I should excel at. I ignore the little things that make life so rich and wonderful because I’m so distracted by the big things. I forget to consult with God and find myself in holes only He can get me out of. I’m lonely even though I have been blessed with amazing friends and an amazing community.
I am loyal to a fault. I take on my loved ones problems as if they were my own so I can be there for them and support them. I have a special way with babies. I am raising an incredible child who I love so much I physically ache. I have the most wonderful friends, both far and near, who I care for passionately.
I appear confident and comfortable engaging strangers in conversation, while inside I’m awkward and terrified. I display a calm countenance when my anxiety is out-of-control. I cry when I’m happy, laugh when I’m angry and try to hide the fact that I’m sad. I’m well loved even when I’m not loving well. I am forgiven – though I continue to sin.
Messy.
*hugs*
Welcome to the dynamic world of being a female human. Perhaps it’s the same of being a male human, but I can’t recall, so I speak to this as being a fellow female.
🙂
We grow up learning that to be “this” way is good and to be “that” way is bad. We have conflict when we’re “that” way while we’re struggle to be “this” way. We have even MORE conflict when we’re both “that” way and “this” way and sometimes concurrently some places in between and other ways not in line at all with either way.
The problem with defining a particular way of being as “right” or “wrong” is that neither way is precisely right or wrong. There are so many shades of gray that when we don’t quite fall into one category or the other, we wonder what our value/worth is. We can’t judge ourselves as bad if we simultaneously judge ourselves as having slates wiped clean by a savior. (regardless of who we define as savior, *wink*)
Anyway, the point I’m so verbosely trying to get at is that you are absolutely perfect AS YOU ARE. Your ups, your downs, your decisions, your emotions, your choices, your love, your way of BEing, your hopes and dreams and fears…
There is no WRONG way to be because you are absolutely perfect Right Now, As We Speak!
It can take a looooong time to come to terms with this concept. I know you’re already half way there. Keep moving forward, accepting your perfection, and one day, you will see it at all times.
🙂
Love you,
Believe me I can relate to messiness of life…especially when you feel alone yet are blessed with friends who are supportive, caring, and accepting. Also, i put my friends needs and what they are going through before my own, because that is the kind of person I have always been.
Now for my emotional well being I take a pill once a day to balance out my moods and I have had to get used to this and accept the diagnosis i was given. So just when I thought life couldn’t get any more messy …
But one thing I have learned and continue to learn is that life at time is going to be or get messy, but it all comes down to how we choose to handle it and accept, through it all the good, bad, ugly, up, down etc. it is all part of what makes us a stronger person and as a close friend of mine once said You can have it all together and still struggle with some pretty tough things. I think you are doing a great job with all of this so just keep up the great work and focus on the good and happy.
Thanks for sharing you heart friend!
Just wanted you to know that I love you 🙂 And, I’m right there with you!